Leaving work for full time motherhood

If you are like me, a full time mum, how often have you encountered a situation or conversation when someone asked you “what do you do for a living”?, and you reply, “I’m a mum”, there’s a maybe a pause, or an awkward silence while they try and think of an intelligent response, or ever so subtly move the conversation to someone else near by, perhaps your partner or person standing next to you who looks like they’ve had 8 hours sleep every night since they were born, no crows feet and still able to wear heels in an elegant fashion.

I jest, but the emotional shift that I experienced when I gave up work to become a parent was not something I was prepared for.  Of course I can’t speak for every woman, or man that’s made the same move, but for me, the change was very real.

I was going to write my biography here, about how from the age of 17 I finished school and started work, but that’s a whole different blog post right there, so in short to give you a snippet of my life before becoming a mummy, here is the trailer version.

I have worked in the corporate scene since I left school, so yes those that know or have guessed my current age, up until 2015 that’s approximately 17 years.  For the most part various roles in Legal Firms in New Zealand and London, with the exception of a 4 year break when I went into Marketing and Events in a recruitment company.  I quite often had roles where I was managing people, which up to a point I enjoyed, until I got that one employee who made my life a living misery and put me off management for life.

When I became pregnant with my first baby, I had been in my then role for about 10 months with that particular company, and I did really love that job, it was sometimes stressful as far as Senior Project Manager roles went, but I loved the people and my clients.  So I took a year’s maternity leave when I left at 36 weeks.  I think even at that time I was torn about wanting to continue my career or be a full time mummy, but I couldn’t make that decision until I actually had Lara.

I’m lucky my husband has always been supportive of whatever choices I’ve made, and he knows I’ve always dreamt of becoming a professional photographer, so maybe this was my chance to take that leap.  So 10 months into my maternity leave I wrote my letter of resignation.

Now what??? Ok, so I think it’s worth mentioning at this point that leaving my job and becoming a new mum weren’t the only things I ended up dealing with amongst the barrage of emotions I experienced as I delved into this new chapter of my life.  When I was 6 weeks pregnant I had to urgently fly back home to New Zealand when my mum became ill.  Fortunately I made it in time, but she passed away a couple of days later.  This was not how I imagined it would be like having my first child, yes I was living on the other side of the world from my parents already, but I never in my worst nightmare thought I would have to be without her presence through one of the most life changing times in my life.  The one person who you can turn to for all those mum related things, calling at 3am when your baby won’t stop crying, asking questions like what age did I start doing things when I was a baby? (bless him, but dad doesn’t remember these things), and just generally that emotional support you can’t get from any one else except your mum. I was utterly devastated, and at some later date I’ll pluck up the courage to write a separate post about being a mum without your mum.

After Lara was born in April 2015, I spent some time recovering from a c-section, and started making new mummy friends through local classes and groups, I’d get out for long walks with the pram because thankfully Lara was a spring baby so it was perfect timing for being out and about.

I am very much a routine kind of girl, so I guess the mere fact I didn’t have to get up and go to work on a daily basis, and my biggest responsibility was raising this tiny human being who completely relied on me was a huge change.  The unpredictability of daily life as a mum is VERY real, especially if you’re sleep deprived.  But this was what I had always dreamt of, being a mum, doing things like my mum did for me and experiencing that love you can only feel as a mother.

What I chose to ignore for a while was the real fact that I was still grieving, or hadn’t dealt with my mother’s death during my pregnancy, for the pure fact being pregnant was hard enough and a slight distraction. And perhaps was I experiencing post natal depression as well.  So when Lara was about 4 months old I remember making the phone call to my medical insurer who put me onto a mental health nurse who totally got where I was coming from, and assured me that given all of the things I was experiencing, the average person would find it hard to function at 100% and feel normal.  So they arranged Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions for me.  I also went to the doctors and after some hesitation I was convinced it might be a good idea to try a low dose antidepressant. I remember being told, would you deny taking blood pressure medication or insulin if you needed it?  Look at antidepressants in the same way.  Acceptance was the biggest step.

I didn’t like the way they made me feel at first, I had to stop breastfeeding at 7 months which meant my body went through more changes again as well as being on a new drug, but after about 6 weeks, I did feel calmer, more together, albeit a bit spacey.  I kept telling myself I knew it wouldn’t have to be forever, it was just a temporary coping mechanism while I went through this shift in my life.

I compare the feeling of giving up work to a type of grieving.  It was the only thing I had known for almost 18 years, my own independence, earning my own money, going somewhere to do what I was good at, and gaining acknowledgment for it, because lets be honest, we all thrive on feedback and acknowledgement for what we do, we are wired that way as humans, it makes us feel good and why we love our jobs or do what we do.  Not to mention I had always been a very social person, and part of my love for work was the people.  I’m one of those who loves to be around others, even if I am a bit of an introvert at times. Of course it was my choice to give up work, I’m not denying that for a moment, but I think what a lot of new mum’s underestimate is that it’s not just starting a whole new career as a mum that’s massive, it’s giving up or changing your working existence that made you who you were and perhaps made you feel defined as a person.

In 2016 I started building my photography skill set and even set up a studio in our then house, and did some work with photographing babies, and children, parties etc, I enjoyed getting into something I was passionate about and calling my own.

In February 2016 I became pregnant again, and unfortunately I had a rough pregnancy, and we were forced to move out of our then rented home, and buy our first home, so my studio was packed up and moved when I was 7 months pregnant.  Needless to say the photography went on hold for a while, especially when my little man decided to come 2.5 weeks early in November 2017, and I was faced with another c-section recovery – my focus was now my two little ones, Lara who was only 2.5 at that time and a whole new world for her, having a little brother.

I had stopped taking the anti-depressants when I became pregnant with Asher.  It’s hard to know how well I coped being off them because pregnancy brings a whole new array of hormones and emotions.  On the face of it I coped reasonably well with the odd wobble in those 8 months, given I struggled physically to walk some days as I had bad pelvic pain and bad fatigue, we moved house and had a toddler too, so life was pretty crazy anyway. Did I go back on them? Reluctantly yes, 2 months after Asher was born, but this time I tried a different, newer one, which I have to say was a lot better and none of the side affects my first one had.  My reasoning in my head at that time for going back on them was rational, what I thought sensible and the right thing to do, not only for me, but for my relationship and my children.  And I was dealing with another grief situation too as my brother in New Zealand died suddenly 6 weeks after Asher was born.

Fast forward 1 year….I’ve always joked that “I don’t do boring”, so in June 2018 we moved to Spain, my husband took the opportunity to transfer with work, and after everything we had been through in the last 4 years, I think change was just what we needed, while the kids were still young enough the move was a positive one.  Life doesn’t throw you these opportunities for no reason, and sometimes you have to take that leap into the unknown.  That leap has turned out to be the best thing we ever did, we are in love with Spain, and it has given us a new lease on life and given us the opportunity to do things we might have only dreamt of doing.  Our kids get to grow up in a bilingual environment, in a warmer climate and experience the world through a different culture.

I have no regrets about the decisions I have made work wise, I have no desire to return to the corporate world, and realistically at this time in my life, for my own state of mind I need to focus on what it is I love doing, and my family.  Everyone has their priorities and preferences, we are all unique and have so much to offer.

Remember, you’re never “just a mum or just a dad”, it’s the hardest career you will ever embark upon, and the most rewarding.

That shift of leaving work and becoming a parent, whether you return to work or not, becoming a parent automatically opens up doors you didn’t know existed, allows you to meet people you may never have met otherwise.  It also deprives you of sleep you would have had, and cups of tea or coffee you would have finished, and meals you would have finished eating, but if you’re ever in any doubt as to what your purpose is or where you’re going next, you’re never alone, and you aren’t the first.  Enjoy day-by-day, and keep an open, positive mind…..the journey of parenthood is exciting.

Motherhood is YOUR journey with YOUR children

 *Disclaimer:  The views expressed on this site are entirely of my own and in no way represent the opinions of any entity or other individuals.